On the future of love, with Dr. Pepper Schwartz
It’s no doubt that the entire dating landscape has shifted over the last ten years. The apps are all the rage, yet 50% of singles feel burned out from dating all together. There’s no one better to make sense of it all than a real love doctor.
AskMary’s Chief Science Officer Dr. Pepper Schwartz has decades of experience in the subjects of love, sexuality, and commitment. Not only is she renowned for her role on TV’s Married At First Sight, she’s also written 25 books on relationships as an acclaimed sexologist and sociologist.
We sat down with Dr. Pepper to get her hot takes on dating apps, trends she’s seeing in the dating culture, and what gives her hope for the future of love:
Q: What do you see as missing in the current era of dating app culture?
Dr Pepper: Dating apps put people in a very stressed and uncertain environment without really helping them succeed. If people are not immediately paired up with someone they like, or they are having difficulty being paired with anyone at all, they are left hopeless and depressed as opposed to supported and given the tools for success.
Q: Absolutely, and it feels like the options for support are sometimes dubious.
Dr. Pepper: A lot of people designate themselves as coaches who have no idea how to help someone correct self defeating behaviors. We live in an age where we believe in personal development but don't provide it where and when it’s needed the most.
Q: Do you have any advice for singles who are exhausted from dating apps, but are still searching for committed relationships?
Dr. Pepper: I am very sympathetic about the wear and tear daters get early on, trying to get more than trivial interactions. People can find a significant relationship online, but they need to know if their own approach is flawed and take accountability for improving how they interact in this digital world. I recommend singles get clear and honest about what they want, and try hard to go to sites where people are more likely to be interested in finding someone who also wants more than a superficial relationship or hook up.
What’s most important is to grow as a person, and become better at representing yourself so that you’re clear on meeting other people who are looking for something similar.
Q: What are some trends you’re seeing from your perspective, in the world of modern relationships?
Dr. Pepper: There are several trends that seem to be dominating the quest for finding a committed relationship:
First, people are trying to avoid the "swipe left-swipe right culture". It's not that some people can't be successful that way- but what benefits the few leaves most everyone else out. People do not want to be dismissed, or for that matter, chosen, based purely or primarily on how they look.
Second, people are increasingly tired of being treated without respect or even civility. They don't want to live in a dating world where people casually ghost people or promise things they have no intentions of delivering.
And third, I think people are looking for more intentional ways to find a serious relationship, and get matched with others who are searching for the same thing, as well as get feedback and help in navigating the dating process.
Q: The last point about getting feedback is something that feels missing in the current online dating cycle. With AskMary, your experience is available to people at scale and through texting. What about this idea excites you the most?
Dr. Pepper: I love the idea that AskMary is engineered to give good information to people and is able to give even better information and guidance to them the longer the person texts her. Because she can recommend which specific published work of mine would be right for each individual situation, she can save a dater from reading tons of irrelevant pages and get the person seeking advice directly to the information and advice that matters. Via the smart tech, Askmary is a trusted source from the beginning, and she offers wiser and more specific advice as the user continues the conversation.
Personally, my favorite aspect of this product is it means more people can be helped, and they can be helped right away (unlike me, who can only help one person at a time). The smart tech allows AskMary the ability to give valuable advice and direction, while relating to large numbers of people seeking help at once, in real time.
Q: Finally, do you have hope for all the intentional daters out there?
Dr. Pepper: I am optimistic that online dating can become more enjoyable, more effective, and more able to promote personal growth. I am touched and worried by how many people are out in the world looking for love but being left to struggle on their own. I think AskMary will be a giant step forward in giving daters the skills and insights they need to find someone who wants to know them better. And along the process, they will also get to know themselves better and become a more confident version of themselves.
Got burning dating questions?
Give AskMary a text: 202-733-6653 *US/CAN